Seated memories
by Ozlex
Summary: When things in the Atlantis base become a little too quiet, Sheppard is sent into the deepest corners of his own mind after an experiment backfires. Shep whump and Rodney heroism.
1. Chapter 1

_Hope you enjoy, this is my first venture into writing Fanfition and I only wish I owned anything in it. _

Chapter 1

For Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard it seemed like on every day he spent in the Pegasus galaxy something new and unexpected happened. The expedition had been here for little more then a year and a half and already he had lost count of the number of times he had nearly died. Sheppard had to say though that the danger was nothing when you spent your days seeing things no one could even dream of back on Earth.

Today was different though - different in a way John did not like in the slightest. Today there were no imminent threats or invading alien armies. Today the only thing John had to fight was the mound of paperwork Dr. Elizabeth Weir the civilian leader of their little expedition had left for him to complete. He knew he had to complete the reports, but man… as exciting as the missions were, the reports were boring. As a matter of fact the entire day was turning out to be very boring.

xxxxxx

After a tedious briefing where a couple of the resident scientists/nerds, explained to him the captivating array of newly discovered rocks collected on the Mainland, he'd made an escape and gone to see Elizabeth. Elizabeth just piled on the paperwork until he has to escape her office as well, only to retreat right back into the clutches of the rock guys again. The scientists were excited about their rocks, but their enthusiasm wasn't shared by John in the slightest. What seemed like hours later but in truth was only 15 minutes, he finally made a break for it, using the mound of paperwork in his arms as an excuse.

'_Even mission reports must be better than this',_ he thought as he ran for the door.

And so it was that he ended up, sitting at a table in the cafeteria attempting to write reports and failing, when Teyla and Ronnon his team members walked through the door.

"Colonel Sheppard - may we join you", Teyla said as she moved up to the table next to the giant that was Ronnon Dex.

"Be my guest, anything to distract me from this paperwork", John motioned towards two empty seats at the table.

The Colonel grimaced as Teyla added with a slight smile "That reminds me, I believe Dr. Weir is looking for you, something about overdue mission reports."

Ronnon leaned over flashed a grin and added, "It's alright, we won't tell her…. Well, not until they're a bit more overdue,"

"So…how are the Athosian's doing? Another evacuation couldn't have helped them much." John said, not so subtly hiding a change in conversation.

Although all he intended with the comment was to keep Teyla and Ronnon from following up with Elizabeth's request, he truly did want to know how Teyla's people were doing. He still remembered the fear and in most cases, annoyance of the Athosian's when they were forced to evacuate from the Mainland to the alpha site due to a Ga'ould bomb threat. The bomb was sorted out but the Athosian's camp was still in shambles from its hasty abandonment.

Teyla's face became troubled but she replied in an even tone, "They will be fine; they all know of the disadvantages living by Atlantis holds, but they know living here is for the best."

Sheppard looked towards Ronnon but all he had to add to the conversation as normal was whether he was going to finish his sandwich.

After answering Ronnon's question with a large bit of the sandwich in question, Sheppard sighed," Well, at least they have time to recuperate, because by the looks of it so far, nothing is likely to be as exciting any time soon",

"Yeah it's quiet around here. I thought fighting the Wraith would be a bit more active", Ronnon growled, always ready to fight a few Wraith.

"I don't know why, but it just feels….odd. I can't help myself waiting for something _really_ bad to happen when things go quiet like this. We Special Ops know the true power of a good old jinx, and this bloody quiet is one of the worst jinxes you can get. "said Colonel Sheppard.

With this, his two team mates just stared blankly at him having no clue what a jinx was. Being born in the Pegasus galaxy and having experienced none of Earth's quirky culture they were used to not understanding statements or specific words, especially from their team leader. John didn't mind if they didn't understand, he just liked to make random parallels with Earth whenever possible maybe to remind himself where he was from or maybe just because it was funny making Teyla and Ronnon as confused as possible.

When Sheppard looked back on this day, he usually pinpointed the beginning of his problems with Dr. Rodney McKay walking into the cafeteria and falling flat on his face. _'Not unusual on both accounts'_ John thought.

xxxxxx

Rodney stood up about as gracefully as he fell glaring at everybody around him as if daring them to laugh. This of course only made the occupants of the cafeteria snigger all the louder. That's McKay for you - the butt of every joke but still thinking he's Gods gift to the World. John had to hand it to him though there really wasn't a problem in the universe he couldn't solve.

Today unlike the rest of his team sitting at the table being bored, McKay was excited and a bit flustered perhaps from the fall as he spotted them and drove a beeline for their table.

Forgetting the pleasantries of a simple hello, he looked at John and simply said, "I need your gene"

"Hello to you too Rodney. How's your day so far, mines been dandy thanks for asking." At this Teyla and Ronnon exchanged a carefully hidden smile.

"Well sorry for being in a rush, but if you actually followed me you might get something new to blow stuff up with,"

At this John perked up noticeably, "Really, you're not just yanking my chain to get me to help you out,"

Again blank stares and confusion appeared on Teyla and Ronnon's face and Sheppard could almost see Ronnon think _'Yanking my chain…..huh'_

"Maybe a little, but I need your oh so strong ATA gene to get this ancient machine I fixed - working," Rodney frowned a little as he said this obviously jealous that his artificial gene wasn't nearly as strong as Sheppard's natural one.

John grinned realising he finally had something other then paperwork to grab his attention and told Rodney to lead the way. As the pair of them walked out the door he saw Ronnon grabbing his plate including a scrumptious looking brownie from the corner of his eye. _Easy come; easy go_, he thought noting the need to steal Ronnon's brownie in the near future.

xxxxxx

Rodney walked into his lab like a King Arthur returning from the crusades, 'Or maybe _more like a tyrant entering a village of fearful civilians.' _John thought.

It seemed like as soon as Rodney's presence was felt, all the scientists and lab assistants instantly found themselves very busy in the hope of not making their lead scientist angry.

John followed Rodney as he saw his destination. Radek Zelenka was crouched under what looked like the control chair used to defend Atlantis, except strangely different. Having become quite acquainted with the control chair, John immediately picked up on the differences. The chair was made from the same material as the control chair except it was already in what was considered to be the activated position. The chair's head curved around so if anyone sat down it would curve around your forehead. The total effect was graceful like most Ancient technology but slightly disconcerting when you thought of the function the other chair performed. '_If the other chair shot drones what could this chair possibly do' _thought John now thoroughly excited.

Radek stood up in greeting smiling at Sheppard and addressing Rodney," Good; you brought him; 'bout time you gave up trying to activate it yourself. After the first five times, it obviously wasn't going to work the sixth."

Rodney replied with a glare which the Czech missed because he had turned back to the chair.

"Well I think it's ready, it's only taken a year and a half to fix, but I think we've done it", Radek said patting the chair fondly.

John grew increasingly worried at this statement, "Wait… it was broken and hasn't been activated yet, ….might I ask if you actually know what it does before I sit down and possibly destroy the planet."

"Well, of course we know what it does." replied Rodney with exasperation.

"Well ……" Sheppard continued rolling his hand for emphasis.

"It's some sort of control device," Rodney said rather hurriedly trying to cover the fact that he actually had no idea what the device did.

"That's so much clearer"… Now Sheppard felt really uneasy about sitting in the chair.

"If you just do it then we'll find out for sure," Rodney snapped back impatient as ever.

"It's alright Colonel… the chair is only connected to an internal system so there's no chance of you destroying anything. We believe the chair is used to activate and control information held in its system, but most of that was damaged….. still worth a try, wouldn't you say? We found it in a room with chairs all around like a lecture theatre; we believe the chair was used as a teacher's aide." Radek it seemed was the one who knew most about this technology but as usual Rodney couldn't stand to let him have the last say.

"Actually it's NOT a teacher's aide, and the room it was found in was NOT a lecture theatre. It was found in the ancient equivalent of a courtroom and is used to project memories not knowledge as Radek seems to believe."

Radek seemed to be getting angry at this point pushing his glasses up his nose before pointing the same finger at Rodney accusingly.

"Rodney, might I remind you just who's been studying this chair for a year and a half."

Feeling the need to redeem himself Rodney practically spluttered "It still wouldn't be functional if I hadn't taken it upon myself to have a look around this morning. Since I'm always required to save worlds in the blink of an eye, I usually don't have the time to spend a year and a half fixing a chair."

"You think you're the only busy one, Rodney" Radek practically screamed before converting into a stream of unpleasant Czech phrases Sheppard was happy he didn't understand.

"Whoa, easy you two. Why don't we just get this over with then. I'll sit for your little experiment then we can all go get some lunch, since mine was interrupted." Sheppard said efficiently stopping the fight.

Radek Zelenka was just about Rodney's equal, a fact which made Rodney extremely annoyed and one he would never speak aloud.

Moving towards the chair Radek helped John get into position then told him to use his ATA gene and think about the chair activating. It's a bit difficult to think of a piece of technology activating when you have no idea what it does, but as John concentrated a blue light emanated from the chairs visor around his head. Immediately he knew that sitting in the chair was a bad idea. The light turned red just as John felt pain explode in his head. His eyes flew open and he let out a gasp as the pain became so intense that it felt like his head couldn't possibly still be in one piece. The last thing he saw before everything went black was Rodney and Zelenka's concerned faces as they moved closer to investigate.

TBC

_Well one chapter down, I'd love to know what you think._


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks evereyone for the reviews, its nice to know continuing the story is worth the effort.

Disclaimer: I only wish I owned what I write about.

Chapter 2

When John opened his eyes he knew he couldn't have been out long, because Rodney was only just calling a medical team to the lab by his comm. It seemed the chair was inactive now but whether it was because it had been shut down by Rodney and Radek or because he wasn't in it anymore, he wasn't sure. Pushing himself off the ground, he found Radek by his side helping him up and looking around to see Rodney now finished with the call.

"Are you OK?" Radek asked, helping him into a sitting position on the lab floor.

Rodney, who had now come over to investigate the condition of his friend, couldn't help but reply with exasperation "Well, of course he's not ok, he just collapsed."

"Rodney. I'm fine really, maybe it was just because the darn thing is still broken."

"Stop saying you're fine, you're obviously not."

"No.. Rodney.. I really am." Sheppard wasn't lying - he did feel fine. He could remember the light changing colour and that he had been in agonizing pain but now he just felt annoyed at everyone's concern. _'What went wrong?'_ he wondered before standing up.

Now that Rodney was sure his team leader wasn't dead he turned his scrutiny to the chair beside him, pushing past Sheppard to investigate.

"What did you do to the chair?"

"Hey - why are you worrying about the chair… that thing could have killed me. Last time I ever play guinea pig for you." Even as John said this, he couldn't help but flash his winning smile. He knew how much Rodney was worried about him. Using technology as a cover for his feelings was just something McKay did.

Suddenly a lot of shouting could be heard down the corridor and a flustered medical tam crowded into the room, gurney and all.

Dr. Carson Beckett was the first person in the medical team to realise that their patient was standing beside them throwing him a casual wave.

"Whoa laddie, you gave me a right fright. What are you doing standing up? Rodney said you were unconscious." Carson exclaimed coming over to shine a pen light in John's eyes.

"Well I was Doc, but now as you can see I'm all better …only a bit blinded…. Would you stop that please? Like I said Doc I'm fine." Layering on the charm was one of Colonel Sheppard's proudest talents, but it seemed Carson Beckett didn't buy it in the slightest.

"You're not going anywhere until I've done a complete scan and physical. Don't think you can just fall unconscious while using Ancient technology and walk away without a thorough check up, I'm going to call Elizabeth now just to be sure you obey."

John groaned, now there was no way out of it he was going to have to spend the next 5 hours in the infirmary. He was probably going to miss his training session with Teyla; which up until now he wasn't looking forward to, but John knew that after 5 hours of being poked, prodded, and scanned, he would almost relish the young Athosian leader continually throwing him to the ground. _'Almost',_ John thought after considering his previous sessions.

XXXXXX

Carson didn't like it. They had been in Atlantis long enough for him to realise that when Ancient technology started to act funny there was reason to be concerned. He still had nightmares of their first year in Atlantis when an infestation of nanites had caused the death of several people in the exhibition. What made Beckett even more concerned was the fact that John kept on claiming that he was fine. It seemed that the worse off John was, the more he claimed he was fine.

After checking the final results, Carson walked over to the small group which now surrounded Colonel Sheppard who was seated on a bed having just put his clothes back on. Elizabeth Weir and Rodney McKay tuned their heads towards him as they saw the doctor approach and both tried but failed dismally to keep their apprehension from showing. Sheppard, in contrast with the pair, was looking quite unconcerned and a bit bored.

"Medically there is nothing wrong with you, Colonel but from past experience I feel its better to be overly cautious. I'm suggesting you report back to the infirmary twice a day for the next three days just to be sure there's no after affect of the machine."

"I would have to agree Carson but where you're suggesting I'm ordering. John, please _listen_ to the doctor this time. I'm grounding you until the three days are up, don't even try the look." Anyone hearing Elizabeth would think her order was just a normal order to her Military Advisor but looking at her the concern etched into her face was obvious.

John looked up at Elizabeth and tried the look anyway putting on his most charming smile. Just as his charm didn't work on the Scotsman, it didn't work on Elizabeth either.

"I'd also like to do a follow up exam after your session with Teyla, Colonel."

"Well I guess I'm just going to have to follow you orders Doc, see you in a bit. I might also be in need of some other medical attention after Teyla is through with me."

Carson led Sheppard out of the infirmary before turning back to Elizabeth and Rodney who were discussing the function of the chair and what went wrong.

"I don't know what happened… I'm telling you Elizabeth, it wasn't my fault. The chair was only supposed to display information held inside its database, it shouldn't have caused Sheppard any discomfort at all." By the sounds of it their discussion had become quite animated.

"It wasn't your fault Rodney … are you kidding me? I don't seem to remember anyone asking my permission to use my military commander as a guinea pig." Elizabeth threw the comment at Rodney, now angry.

Carson knew the enormous amount of pressure she had to deal with everyday, especially being a civilian. Not everyone at SGC or even in the Atlantis exhibition thought putting Dr. Elizabeth Weir in command was a good idea, but no one who had seen Elizabeth handle the many situations that sprang up in the galaxy thought that now. Carson had never seen a person more able to handle the pressure of command as well as Elizabeth and still create a close relationship with each member under it. _'Boy I'm glad she came'_ Carson thought looking back on all the sticky situations she had led them out from.

"Rodney I'm leaving it to you to find out what went wrong and exactly what that chair does."

"Well I was going to anyw ……." Rodney cut his sentence short at Elizabeth's stare instead agreeing to the command before rushing out the door.

"Well Carson you know where to contact me if anything turns up." Elizabeth pardoned herself before, she to left the infirmary and Carson in peace.

Carson looked down at his work and sighed slightly shaking his head

XXXXXX

It always seemed to be up to him.

'_Couldn't anyone fix a problem on their own'_ thought Rodney as he entered his lab once again steering a path directly towards Zelenka.

"Radek, how's it coming?" Rodney's inquiry sounding like a command as usual.

"We've checked the entire system; there is no reason for the way the chair acted when Colonel Sheppard sat in it."

"You obviously haven't checked it thoroughly enough since there has to be a reason why the chair didn't work." Rodney turned his glare on the chair, ready to blame anyone and anything for failure other then himself.

Something had gone terribly wrong and Rodney knew it. He had seen the look of panic and pain in John's eyes as the chair activated. John had become the most trusted friend he had ever had _'OK fine the only friend I ever had' _Rodney admitted to himself.

It would really suck if he was responsible for his death. He knew there would be repercussions for their experiment and the sooner he worked out the problem the sooner he could figure out the solution.

'_Just stop thinking of John's pain filled eyes and concentrate'_

Rodney picked up the laptop just as Radek turned away to look at some wires. When Radek turned back to retrieve his computer, Rodney was gifted with some truly colourful Czech and a drawn out death stare in his back both of which he ignored. To any other person the information displayed on the screen would be utter gibberish but for Rodney McKay the complex schematics and stream of data made perfect sense.

'_Almost perfect sense' _He thought as he saw a disruption in the flow of information that didn't seem to fit.

"Radek, tell me what you think this is." Rodney said finally handing over the laptop.

Concentrating on where Rodney indicated Radek couldn't find any problem

"What are you talking about Rodney it seems to be completely fine?"

"No look, right here. It says that …… On no! This is bad; very, _very_ bad." Rodney's eyes opened wide and a look on incredulous fear took over his face. Radek's face went from annoyed to fearful as he recognised the signs of an imminent threat in his colleague's features.

'_They needed to find Sheppard and __fast' _Rodney thought after checking the data again for confirmation.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks for the reviews they help my fingers move across the keys that much faster. I've tried to be a little nicer with this one and not end it on such a cliff hanger so please tell me what you think._

Chapter 3

Looking into her green eyes he was reminded of just how beautiful a woman Teyla was. Not that he thought of her that way, more like the best friend he ever had. Rodney was like that annoying younger brother you always wished you could be rid of.

'_Shit_' John knew better then to let his attention lapse when facing Teyla. Her stick swept behind his knees knocking him to the floor.

_Crack_

John raised his own stick just in time to protect himself from her onslaught.

_Crack_

John's second stick came up to meet hers, jarring him down to his shoulder.

Suddenly they parted and the circling began anew. Looking into her eyes once again, he didn't let his attention lapse a second time. Her attack came when he least expected it, but that didn't stop him from acting on instinct and raise his stick to counter her move. A flurry of movement followed, with neither opponent gaining the upper hand. The sticks cracked rhythmically as the exchanges continued.

After what seemed like hours John saw his opportunity. Teyla shifted her weight, a movement that anyone other than a person specifically looking for it would notice. Sheppard made his move, lunging forward into an attack with all the force he could muster. It wasn't until he felt his legs being swept under him again and a sharp pain spring into being above his shoulder blades did he realise he had been tricked.

Teyla's face came into his field of vision but all he could do was groan. Sheppard grimaced. He felt that if he looked up he would see little cartoon birds circle around his head. When Teyla proffered her hand, he gratefully accepted her help off the floor.

"That was much better Colonel. Next time do not be fooled by such an obvious ploy"

"Well it wasn't obvious at the time." John had already been thrown to the floor 3 times and the developing headache wasn't helping to improve his mood.

"Shall we go again" Teyla's enthusiasm only helped to fuel the pain continually growing inside his head.

"Ah… I think I've had enough floor time to last me a lifetime"

Teyla was peering at him curiously "John, are you alright?"

Running his hand through is unruly sweat ridden hair Sheppard could only grimace. It seemed that Teyla always knew when he was hurt or feeling unwell before he did. His head was pounding something fierce, but he wouldn't let Teyla catch on if he could help it.

"I'm fine, I swear. Even Carson said I was free to leave the infirmary, and you know how much he likes to lock me up in there."

"It's only for your own good, John"

"Yeah well, I'm thinking of moving some posters down there, it's beginning to feel like a second home"

Picking up the sticks, the pair walked over to the abandoned equipment and took long draughts from their water canteens. John felt particularly flushed but put it down to the gruelling training session. Taking another gulp of water he noticed Teyla peering at him once again with concern.

Heading off her question John pleaded," Teyla really, I'm fine."

John had to admit he felt like crap. The thrashing in his head had escalated to an all around high, and he was beginning to feel slightly nauseous. Moving in a straight line seemed to be beyond his body and walking to the door, he ended up walking directly into Teyla. She caught him but he didn't notice because the moment her hands touched his shoulder a pain so intense that he felt the whole room turn white, split into his head. It was as if a thousand cannons had been fired and their cannon balls were ricocheting around his skull. His ears were filled with an endless piercing scream and every conscious thought in his mind was wiped clean by the brutal ferocity of the pain.

XXXXXX

John swayed… Teyla caught him only to find the full brunt of his weight falling into her arms. She tried placing the Colonel as gently as she could to the floor but still wound up half dropping him. She heard his head hit the floor with a resounding thud that couldn't have helped the situation. Pulling her radio from the pocket of the clothes thrown down beside her she quickly called for help.

"Dr. Beckett, I need a medical team in the training room. John has just collapsed, please come quickly." She added with slight tinge of fear to her voice.

Crouching down besides the still Colonel, she checked his breathing and pulse finding the following to be weak. Teyla felt helpless staring down and her team leader's prone body. There was nothing she could do to help him and it scared her. John Sheppard was the first person to give her hope in a long time. Hope that one day they would eventually be able to stop the wraith. This hope had turned into trust and the trust had turned into friendship one which she desperately did not want to lose in such a way. All she could do now was hold his hand and pray he was going to be alright.

Suddenly Sheppard's body convulsed violently and his eyes flew open.

A scream ripped open the air and it took all of Teyla's will power to stop herself throwing her hands over her ears. In all the time she had known John, she had never heard or seen him display his pain in such a horrific manner.

The screams turned into cries for help as his eyes focussed on her.

She couldn't stand it any longer. The Colonel looked so vulnerable and all she could do to help was watch.

Eyes wet she grasped his hand and rubbed his hair all the while whispering words of comfort. _'Where is the medical team? Why are they taking so long?'_ Teyla knew it could only have been a couple of minutes but it felt like hours. At Sheppard's next cry for help she physically felt herself flinch but looking down at his withering form she noticed his eyes were not focussed on her at all. They were staring off into the distance into things she couldn't see. Sheppard let out a final blood curdling scream before…. he fell back still and silent.

"John, _John _can you hear me? Please wake up." Looking around in desperation Teyla's eyes caught the medical team finally rounding the corner.

"In here quickly"

Before she knew what was happening Beckett was prying her hand away from Johns.

"It's alright laddie, we're here know, you can let go."

She could only watch all the while reliving the terrible moment in her mind as they carried Sheppard away on a gurney.

XXXXX

When the team arrived at the infirmary, Beckett was surprised to see Rodney already waiting for them.

Running towards them he stammered, "Oh god……it actually happened. This is all my fault. Stupid bloody chair… how could I have been such a moron? It was right there in front of us the whole time, but _no _as normal I had to rush head first into the human experiments."

"Rodney, slow down what's wrong with him."

Carson had found the Lt. Colonel's breathing to be shallow and his pulse rapid but there was no indication of injury.

"I want a full scan including a MRI and make it fast. Now Rodney you were saying?"

"It's the chair! I was right it was used in the Ancient equivalence of a court room. Its's supposed to project the accused's memories for the 'court' to see proving him innocent or guilty. Somehow through all of Zelenka's tinkering it's being projected inwards."

"Aye, but what is it doing to the Colonel?" Carson could tell that Rodney was flustered. He was pacing about the room and every ten seconds turned his head to look where John was being scanned. The worry etched in his face made Carson all the more fearful about Sheppard's condition.

Rodney looked at Carson as if it was obvious, "It's literally destroying his mind with his own memories."

"How are we on the scan?" Of all the things Carson suspected might be wrong with Sheppard this was last on his list of possibilities. "OK after the scan I want to check his brain activity, I have a wee feeling its going to be slightly higher then normal."

XXXXXX

Slightly above normal was a huge understatement it seemed. Sheppard's brain activity was through the roof. Rodney was surprised the man hadn't suffered an aneurism in the first 5 minutes.

'_How could I have been such an idiot?'_

If he had just caught that error in the program none of this might have happened, but now here he was watching his unconscious friend reliving the worst memory of his life and slowly be destroyed by it.

He hadn't had the guts to tell Carson the whole situation. In truth the chair targeted a person's deepest darkest memory. This function was the quickest way for the Ancients to find wether the person was guilty. The process was also incredible uncomfortable and sometimes down right painful which led McKay to believe it was only used after the worst of crimes. He could only imagine what Sheppard's worst memory was and what reliving it over and over was doing to his sanity. A fresh wave of guilt left him swearing once more. He felt utterly useless.

TBC

_Please review – courtesy of you neighbourhood Ozlex_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Being called into the infirmary never meant anything good. Being called into the infirmary twice in one day meant she better prepare herself for an upcoming disaster. Elizabeth had no idea what to expect as she hurried through the corridors. Rodney had contacted her and all he said was for her to hurry to the infirmary as fast as humanly possible.

'_Thanks Rodney, for elevating my stress levels to an all new high…again'_

When she finally rushed through threshold she was met with the sight of her 2IC sprawled on a bed connected to a machine spewing out data.

Sitting besides his bed, Rodney was furiously typing away at his laptop until he noticed Elizabeth's form casting a shadow in the doorway.

"Rodney, what happened? Carson said he was fine?"

Rodney barely looked up from what he was working on and sounded extremely agitated when he snapped "Well he's not!"

Elizabeth could only stare in disbelief at Rodney tone. She was still the leader of this exhibition and for Rodney to be this rattled, the situation must be even worse then she initially thought.

"I'm sorry Elizabeth, I didn't me….. it's just……. This is all my fault."

"No one is blaming you Rodney but if you could please just tell me what's wrong with John."

"No one is blaming me, of course they're blaming me. I could see it in Beckett's eyes…."

"Rodney, if you could ju…."

"and he's right. I did this to Sheppard. I was the one who got him to sit in the chair. I used the lure of blowing stuff up…….."

"RODNEY"

"Yes" Rodney finally looked up from his ranting"

"What….. is……wrong…….with …….John?" She spoke slowly hoping that this would get through to the slightly shocked scientist.

"I'm not an infant, I can understand you"

"Rodney, please"

Rodney sighed and closed his laptop, "The chair we …I mean I made him sit in has latched onto his worst memory; most probably a repressed one knowing Sheppard, and is as we speak using it to destroy his mind. Of course the chair isn't doing it sadistically, it is only a machine."

"I thought the chair was a teaching aide and projected thoughts for people to see.' Panic crept into her voice. "What happened to it?"

"Actually, no as I have been saying from the start the chair is used for witness testimony. It projects memories of crimes, to prove criminals are guilty… but that doesn't matter. It's my fault, I missed an error in the programme, and instead of being projected out for people to see the memories are being inwardly directed."

Elizabeth could only stare at Rodney in disbelief. It seemed they could never get it right with the Ancient technology. Something always went wrong. Lost in her own thoughts Elizabeth didn't even see Carson walk into the room.

Carson marched straight to Sheppard and only acknowledged Elizabeth in passing, before turning his full attention to the machine connected to John's head.

"This isn't good…..I was hoping it had gone down." He mumbled to himself slightly shaking his head.

Walking to his bedside, she looked down at her commanding military officer. His eyes were moving rapidly under his lids. For all intent and purpose he looked like he was just having a dream filled sleep, but on closer inspection she could make out creases of pain etched in his face.

Carson checked his pulse and she turned at the sound of him tutting again.

"Carson….?"

Looking up with a frown and pinching the bridge of his nose Carson didn't give it to her easy and she was thankful for it.

"If we don't get him out of this, the stress on his brain will be too great. If he doesn't wake up soon he's going to have an aneurism."

"Well what can we do?"

"Ach, not much I'm afraid to say." Carson sighed, "The brain is a tricky thing, I can give him something to suppress the assault of the memory… but other then that I believe it's up to the Colonel.

XXXXXX

As soon as John opened his eyes he vehemently wished he hadn't. The pain in his head was excruciating and with each beat of his heart he felt a corresponding throb. Groaning he pressed the palm of his hand against his head in the hope of pushing the pain out. Waking up in the infirmary was not a new experience for John and he knew exactly what was coming next.

The penlight shined in his eyes gave him a whole new level of pain and it was all he could do not to swear in front of the nice Scottish Doctor.

"Geez Doc was that really necessary."

"I'm sorry John, but you've been unconscious for hours."

"Judging from this headache not long enough." John grimaced pinching the bridge of his nose in an imitation of Carson's previous actions, until he saw Rodney.

"YOU you did this too me. Never again am I going to be your Franken……." John stopped abruptly upon seeing the look of fearful guilt on Rodney's face. He had only meant it as a joke but seeing Rodney actually look guilty made him more worried then ever.

"Oh shit……. What's wrong with me?"

Elizabeth took John's hand but she and Rodney both turned there heads away from him, afraid to be the deliverer of bad news. Carson was used to giving bad news but even he looked a bit scared.

"Well, on the positive side the medication we gave you seems to be working for the moment."

"Please tell me that's not the only positive side, Doc"

"Colonel, what were you dreaming about?" The question came out of the blue taking John by surprised.

"Nothing new." John couldn't tell them what he had really dreamt about. The very thought of revealing himself so utterly made him snuggle into his blankets further for protection.

"That memory you dreamt about; and yes I know it was a memory, is attacking your mind."

"Ok….. mind running that by me again."

Rodney, who had been awfully quiet, finally spoke up moving everyone's attention back to himself as normal.

"The chair, it's taken a memory from the very corners of your mind and is slowly killing you with it… to put it nicely."

"Nicely?"

Rodney's next outburst made John feel slightly better and brought a bit of normalcy to the situation.

"You can't blame me though, you have as much free will as the next person. More so even… whatever that means. You choose to sit in the chair I did not force you and really it was Zelenka who missed the error in the programme, not me. So if you die feel reassured I will not suffer any mental illness because of guilt. I mean I'd be sad and all but…."

"RODNEY." John screamed and immediately regretted it because it sent pain shooting through his head. "It's nice to know you care." Even as he said this, another flash of a different time sent him cringing forward, curling himself into a foetal position on the bed.

A number of hands reached out to comfort his shuddering body. The attack only lasted a couple of minutes but when John was finally able to concentrate on the people around him through the fog of pain he knew his façade had broken. The horrors he had seen were spread across his fearful face and the wall he unconsciously placed around his emotions was quickly falling to pieces.

"John, are you alright?" The timid question was uttered by Elizabeth, her hand in his once more.

What could he tell her? All the pretences in the World about him being _'fine'_ couldn't hide the fact that he hadn't truly been '_fine'_ since the night it had occurred. The pain in his head increased to agonising levels again, but this time John welcomed the darkness. His defences had crumbled and his will to fight was gone.

XXXXX

Watching John fall back into unconsciousness had almost been a relief. Pain had so clearly been painted across his face while awake and she knew it wasn't entirely physical. There had been something deeper to John's pain after his brief attack. While he was awake she had puzzled at the strange look in his eyes and now she wished she didn't know. The horror reflected at her from those dark pools was enough to send her running from the room, and it was only her need to comfort him that kept her in place. If they didn't act soon John would be lost to them in more ways then one. Looking up into Rodney's worried face; she knew he thought so as well.

TBC

_Sorry I didn't reveal much in this chapter but don't worry it all gets revealed in an emotional storm that rivals no other. Please review to make my fingers type that much faster. _


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Rodney was worried. Sheppard kept falling in and out of consciousness but it seemed after each lapse a little less of him looked back. Each time he fell back to sleep, Rodney feared he wouldn't wake up again. Gnawing in his stomach, guilt threatened to overcome him and it was all he could do to keep it at bay so he could think clearly.

'_I have to do something.'_

Watching his friend in pain was bad enough but watching him slowly fade into a nightmare was torture.

The chair had forfeited little of its secrets and as hard as he worked to find an answer he couldn't see anyway to help Sheppard's situation. Frustration made him tenser then normal and after a particularly colourful bout of swearing at the data, Carson insisted Rodney leave the infirmary so not to disturb the other patients.

In a kinder voice he added "Only for a bit Rodney, just calm yourself down and look for a solution. The inhibitor is working for the moment but he needs a proper cure and sadly you're the only one who can give him that."

Carson looked as bad as Rodney felt, and he could see the frustration in the Doctor's eyes at not being able to help his patient.

Even as he grumbled he knew Carson was right. Working in his lab would be better for all of them and he might even get some work done instead of worrying over every move John made in his sleep.

Although it was the middle of the night, scientist were still working on assorted projects throughout the huge laboratory, but upon seeing Rodney enter most people decided to finish up and turn in for the night. Pretending not to notice his colleagues scampering away from him Rodney looked down at the chair which had caused so many problems. Seeing a pair of feet stick out the back Rodney walked around to see Zelenka mumbling to himself in Czech.

Thinking to surprise him, Rodney shouted, "WHAT you doing down there Zelenka?"

Radek's reaction was hilarious as he threw himself upright hitting his head on the chair.

'_I'll save that image for another day.'_ He thought to himself sniggering silently.

"So…… how's it coming over here?"

Radek was still growling but then his face went serious and he sighed, "Terrible, I can't find anything that will let me reverse the damage. How about you? How is vee Colonel?"

Rodney's face grew serious and he answered to his feet. "Ah… well, not good, but I have some ideas."

Radek stood up and patted Rodney on the back, feeling just as guilty as his colleague. "Well at least that's something." After a pause he asked with obvious impatience. "So, what's your big idea?"

"Oh right, well I think we need to put him back in the chair and reverse the damage by using the same memory and projecting it out… for proper."

"That's' your big idea. Rodney for all we know that could just make the situation worse."

"Don't you think I know that?" Rodney was extremely agitated and actually clenched and unclenched his fist

'_A very unscientist thing to do_.' He thought

"Look it's the only thing we can do and if you can come up with something better I'm wide open for ideas."

"Rodney, I'm sorry but this is going to end very very badly. For one how are you going to find the correct memory, John's in no condition to tell you and it's impossible. He's been alive for while if you hadn't noticed and has the millions of memories to prove it."

"Again, you doubt my ability to think better than you. Of course he has millions of memories and I have no idea which is the right one that's why I'll be..." Rodney mumbled the last part of his sentence in a vain attempt to hide his attentions from Radek, but when he saw his eyes go wide he knew he hadn't succeeded. "So you see nothing to worry about."

Radek just stared a stream of Czech coming from his mouth which from his tine was all too easy to figure out.

"You are an IDIOT." Rodney didn't even think Radek realized he had started talking in English. "I will not allow you to do any such thing Rodney McKay"

"That's DOCTOR. Rodney McKay to you and I can do whatever I like."

"Even if it will potentially kill you?"

"Well…..yes but I don't think it will. Interfacing with the chair is just a stretch on the parameters of the chairs programming now. I think it can handle the second consciousness quite well."

"I guess if you want to turn up as a vegetable it will work quite well but Rodney please, see reason."

"I have to do this, I have to." In all the time they had spent together in Atlantis and before on Earth, Radek had never seen Rodney so determined. He put it down to guilt but he had to give him credit, Rodney was braver then people thought. It seemed Sheppard's self sacrificing tendencies were rubbing of on the scientist.

Radek sighed, he still wasn't happy with the situation, "If you have to do this we better run some test." A thought just entered his head which made the whole situation much darker than before. "Oh god, your going to have to actually delve into Sheppard's memories. Can you just imagine the things that man's been through?"

"Well thanks ever so much for that. Now my trepidation is completely gone." His tone dripping with so much sarcasm he wouldn't put it past a sea otter to catch on.

Just then Rodney's head snapped up and he swore loudly "Crap, I have to tell Elizabeth my plan don't I?"

"Your plan your explanation, you ain't getting any help from here."

"Thanks" Rodney sniped rolling his eyes

XXXXXX

"NO"

"How can you say that, this is Sheppard we're talking about?"

"No I believe it is you we're talking about now, Rodney." Elizabeth sighed it had been a long day indeed "I'm not going to going to lose both of you."

"You won't and this is the only way."

"I can't believe that Rodney. There must be another way."

"You think I haven't tried to find a better way. You think I like pretending to come up with better plans while John lies in the infirmary wasting away. I've tried…… I really tried but this is the ONLY way."

Elizabeth had never seen Rodney this worked up and the result scared her to her core.

Silence echoed around the conference room

"I'm sorry Rodney; please explain it to me again."

"It's quite simple really, what I'm going to do is connect the two of us to the chair and physically bring Sheppard out of his memory. Of course that makes it sound like John's head is a different planet and I'm going to be traveling it but I'll actually be connected to the chair's data base which is connected to John and sorting through that.

Elizabeth still wasn't reassured but then like Rodney said they had no choice. It was this or watching John die.

Rodney annoyingly started to wave his hand in front of Elizabeth's contemplating face, "Elizabeth do we have a go."

'_Time to make a decision' _

Uncertainty nagged at her like all major decision did, but she could put it off no longer in her mind the deed was already done.

Another sigh, "You have a go Rodney…. just be careful for John's sake if not your own."

TBC

A/N I know not much has happened in the last two chapters but it's all building the tension for a doozy of emotional whumping for Rodney and Sheppard. Please review makes me feel like I've just eaten porridge on a rainy day.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I'm so sorry this has taken so long. It was term 3 year 12 and as some of you might know hell on Earth. But now its holidays so posting will go much quicker. I'm think two more chapters so just stick with me please.

Chapter 6

The pain was unbearable. If John wasn't experiencing it at this very minute he would have thought the pain would have killed the incredible hulk. What made the stabbing pain in his head worse was knowing that even when he fell unconscious from its sheer force, sleep wasn't any better. It was a toss up to which John preferred less, Earth shaking physical pain or gut wrenching emotional pain with its own amount of physical pain.

Time seemed to pass in a haze of one pain turning into another only to return to the first and with each cycle increase to impossible limits. Sometimes he would wake up to deafening ring in his ears, only realizing when he was falling unconscious again that it was his own screaming voice. Now he could only gape with an open mouth, his voice box had long ago been emptied by his continuous screams.

Near the beginning which now seemed like an eternity ago, the pain had had brief respites when his body went completely numb. These respites had been because of lots and lots of morphine but that was a while ago now. The levels of morphine in his body were too dangerous and there no longer existed a barrier between John and the pain.

The figures that seemed to be always by his side were meaningless blurs in the harsh whiteness of agony in front of his eyes. All of a sudden the World shifted and he was floating through a sea of torment. Jolts flared the pain throughout his body and the mouth gaping began anew. Wetness coated his hands where his nail had dug deeply into his palms but that pain was a flea compared to the dog which the rest of his body was experiencing.

The floating stopped and the World became solid. His surrounding had stopped yet he himself was still writhing in pain. Whiteness overcame his senses and he was thrown into the nightmares of his unconscious mind.

XXXXXX

This was a stupid stupid idea. Hadn't the man suffered enough and now they were moving him against his better judgment. Looking down at the gurney he could tell that Sheppard was awake and writhing in agony. He could only hope that Rodney's idea would work because there was no way John could deal with the pain much longer. Upon reaching the lab Carson threw an angry glare in Rodney's direction before turning his attention back to his tormented patient.

The Lt. Colonel back arched with another wave of pain and his short fingernails finally broke the skin on his palm. _'I'll have to bandage those when he's unconscious again.'_

In the corner of his eye a glint of shiny metal lay waiting like an electric chair waiting for its convicted victim. This was not a good idea.

Rodney rushed forward to help transfer Sheppard to the chair, but upon seeing the Colonels torment his eyes opened wide and he went completely rigid.

"Rodney, you're an idiot."

The uncommon vehemence of Carson's voice got Rodney out of his shocked state and his face turned defensive. "It's the only way." Sadly Rodney's conviction did nothing to sooth his worries as even to his ears Rodney sounded almost pleading.

Surrounding John his medical team moved in to pick the man up, noting the heated temperature of his skin and quakes that raked his body with enough force to tear him apart. Thankfully when he was placed in the inactive chair a final torrent of pain lifted him into unconsciousness. Except from what Rodney had told him and what he had noticed when the man was asleep this state wasn't much better.

"Wait Rodney, before you start I need to bandage his hands."

"Oh, don't worry about that we still have heaps of things to prepare before we start…….what happened to his hand?"

"The lad stabbed them with his fingernails because we had to move him, that's what happened to his hand. Might I add again that you're an idiot?"

Rodney just hung his head, no smart comment forthcoming. Everyone was worried but his reaction still frightened Carson. He really hoped this would work because it was they had.

XXXXXX

Now was his moment. McKay always seemed to be saving Sheppard's life or Sheppard saving his, but this time it was different. Rodney didn't really count this as his turn to save Sheppard's life because he was the one who put it in danger. All he could do now was fix the damage he had made to his best friend. Not that he would ever let Sheppard know that.

It always happened like this when he was a little kid. He would find or be given a great new toy and things would be awesome for awhile, until he got that urge to take thing apart and put it back together even better than it was originally. Some of his toy experiments had worked and some hadn't and he really didn't want Sheppard to become discarded on mutated toy pile like the experiments gone bad. If only fixing Sheppard didn't require putting himself in danger as well.

When everything was sorted out and there was nothing left to do but plow ahead with this crazy plan, Rodney could only stare at the leads that would connect him to Sheppard with trepidation.

'_Damn it, why was this so hard?'_ Rodney just couldn't understand why he was so frickin afraid. Sheppard would have jumped at the chance to save his life so why was he hesitating so much to save Sheppard's life.

Well obviously because he had to actually do it from inside his head, but still this was not the time for his scardey cat self to surface.

"Ok, lets get this started" Finally taking the step and Rodney planted his butt on the gurney which he would be connected to the chair from.

"You know lad, you don't have to do this." It was nice that Carson said the words even if they didn't hold true to his actions. Even as the sentence came out of his mouth Carson was helping Rodney lie down, and beginning to connect the multiple leads to his head.

Turning his head slightly to the right, Rodney could catch a look at the now unconscious Colonel on the alien chair. There was nothing peaceful about Sheppard's sleep as he kept on twitching and every now and then a cry would escape his lips. The Colonel's body was covered in a sheen of sweat and the only part of him that didn't look sickly was his dark unruly hair, which Rodney believed would stick up even if plastered down with cement.

A look between the Lt. Colonel and Carson was answer enough, and Carson continued his work of hooking Rodney up with Zelenka's help.

"Well that's it, I think we're ready." Zelenka announced pushing his glasses up his nose.

"You ready lad" Carson's eyes were filled with concern over Sheppard and now him.

"Just get it over with, in and out that's how it going to be. The sooner I get in the sooner I can get out."

Rodney let out a breath and looked first at Carson then at Zelenka before giving a final nod.

The only people in the room were himself, Zelenka, Carson and of course Sheppard for safety reasons. Teyla and Ronnon had been quite outraged that they couldn't be with the rest of their team to lend support, but Elizabeth had been determined. They had only activated the chair once and look what happened, the less people in the room the less people who could come to harm. Rodney didn't mind though he had a feeling things would get quite nasty and personal. He saw it as the less people in the room the less people to laugh or pity him and the Colonel.

As Zelenka started the chair up from a consol off to the right of the chair, Rodney squeezed his eyes shut. Unfortunately having your eyes shut doesn't block out the sound of an ancient chair powering up. His heart rate increased with the rise in pitch until it felt like it would break a rib or two. Just when he was ready to yell for Zelenka to stop, he heard a eye splitting cry of agony to his right and a sudden pain in his own head sent the world around him spiraling into darkness.

XXXXXX

"_Well this is weird!" Rodney said as he looked around at his new surroundings. _

_Out of everything he had expected to find in John's mind to cause such terror this was the last on his long list. _

_Again Rodney reiterated his surprise,"What the f..k." _

_If this was Sheppard's worst memory the guy was a giant woss._

_He was standing in the middle of a playground. The only screams to be heard were those of children in play. Nothing was attacking him and no one was dying. It just wasn't what he expected. _

_The school playground around him looked like any other school playground on Earth. It seemed to be in the afternoon, just after school had finished for the day so the scene was quite busy. Full of running children all of whom seemed not able to see him and some crappy juvenile equipment he always hated even when he himself was a child. There was a seesaw with crocodiles for seats, a jungle-gym, basketball court and off to the side a couple of trees with tyre swings. It was the epiphany of normalcy and it freaked him out. _

_And where the hell was Sheppard. This was his mind, so where was he?_

_A commotion behind one of the buildings caught his attention and where there's a commotion there's usually a skinny flyboy with annoying hair. _

_Walking through the playing children was starting to creep him out as not one looked at him or registered that he was even alive. Rodney knew it was because he was in a memory but it was still very disconcerting. _

_The sound of high pitched yelling and squealing of children as he assailed Rodney's ears as he walked into a group of 4 bullies picking on a kid about two years younger then them. The kid being picked on was a little thing with dark hair and the whole scene brought back painful memories of his own childhood. _

_As Rodney approached the devil children they were in the process of stealing every loose possession the kid had on him- it was mean but not vicious. When he actually reached the scene things had turned nasty and the bullies were now forcefully shoving the smaller kid to the ground and kicking him. _

"_Little brats, what do you think your doing" Of course nobody could hear him but that didn't stop Rodney from yelling profanities at the devil kids. _

_After a particularly nasty kick he even tried to pull one of the bullies away but for some strange reason his arms went wonky every time he tried. It was a strange sensation like attempting to move your body one way but having it do something else. It reminded him of that show about that guy who hypnotized people someone had brought back from Earth. Didn't believe a bit of it but the feeling was similar to the people in it who ended up pouring beer on themselves after trying to take a sip. _

_It was funny in the show but this was just cruel. All he could do was watch. Watching a little kid be tormented after he went through the same thing in childhood was infuriating making Rodney want pound on these brats all the more. The kid was now whimpering and no wonder four against one was not good odds. Rodney fell back to yelling increasingly rude curses at the children as he became more frustrated and didn't even notice a second shadow fall on the group. _

_Suddenly another high pitched voice joined those yelling in front of him._

_The new child was a long gangly kid about the same age as the kid being beaten up but much taller. The 10 yr old had green eyes and messy black hair. It didn't take much brain power to tell that this was Sheppard finally. He really hadn't changed much except gain a bit of muscle. Sheppard was Sheppard no matter the age. Even as an adult he was a bit of a kid. _

"_Hey, what do you think your doing pick on someone your own size?" It was a bad line to even for Sheppard and Rodney was glad he had gotten slightly better and the pronouncements before a fight. Slightly better!_

_The bullies turned away from their prey one by one and the supposed leader walked up to Sheppard and gave him a shove. He managed to stay on his feet only just._

"_You think you someone our size mummy's boy." The big leader bully couldn't even gather the intelligence to realize his prey of a few minutes ago was inching behind Sheppard and getting ready run._

_Soft chuckling of moron's cronies was cut short when out of the blue a fist slammed into the leader's face. Even as a little kid Sheppard was a fighter but that didn't improve the odds. He had caught moron unprepared but now all four thugs piled onto Sheppard and started beating the crap out of him. _

_It wasn't pretty but each punch or kick Sheppard got on the opposition Rodney had to cheer. Even against four guys bigger then him Sheppard could hold his own. It was only when one of the thugs pushed John a bit to forcefully to the ground and he hit his head that the group of bullies realized that they had gone too far and ran for it. _

_Little John had a bloody nose, a split lip and a nasty gash above his eyebrow. By the way he was holding his arm it looked like he had sprained his wrist. Poor kid he looked really pathetic. Little John was a skinny wretch and Rodney assumed it had taken some effort for him just to achieve the amount of muscle he had now. _

_He looked just like Rodney expected John to look like a kid, a younger replica of the karate kid. But the scene was wrong. This was supposed to be Sheppard's worst memory and a schoolyard fight didn't quite cut it after everything that had happened in the Pegasus galaxy. This couldn't be all there was to the memory. All he could wonder was just what did happen to John when he was 10 years old that was so bad? _

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Hi everyone! I'm trying to finish this story as quickly as possible because I have another one in mind, so I know there are heaps of errors. This is my first story so I'm going to go back after I finish it and edit everything.

Chapter 7

"Well this is creepy" Zelenka commented upon viewing the Colonel's and Rodney's brain wave patterns.

Almost instantly after turning the problematic chair on, Rodney's brain wave patterns had altered to match Sheppard's. To say it was odd would be a huge understatement; to say it was practically impossible would be more accurate.

Watching the little identical squiggles on the monitor was giving Carson a headache on top of an already existent headache. He didn't know what to expect when they hooked Rodney up to John but this was one of the worse possibilities.

The identical brain activity meant that if anything happened to one it would happen to the other. This was a dangerous situation and one any doctor would advise against. But Carson had agreed to this ludicrous plan in a hope of saving the Sheppard, and now he had two patients and friends in danger.

"Rodney, what have you gotten yourself into" Carson muttered under his breath

Unfortunately Zelenka heard and threw a look of worry in his colleague direction. For all their competitive banter Zelenka really did care for the chief scientist.

Feeling utterly useless is one of the constant emotions plaguing doctors. One could only do some much before the rest is left up to the patient. In some ways this was a good thing as it prepared him for the situation he found himself in now. It was all up to Rodney now and whether he could break the cycle of the memory Sheppard found himself trapped in.

Placing a hand on Rodney's shoulder he gave it a small squeeze of support before turning his attention back to the information on the numerous monitors similar to what Zelenka was doing.

"Good luck lad"

XXXXXX

_As improbable as it was Rodney was getting increasingly bored inside Sheppard's head. For the last what seemed like hours he had watched little Sheppard park his skinny butt outside the school and wait._

_Little Sheppard had ingeniously stuck toilet paper up his nose to quench the bleeding and look all down miserable at his situation. It was also obvious that this was not the first fight he had been involved in. _

_The rest of the school had deserted for there homes but John was still sitting and waiting. Most likely he was waiting to be picked up or he was just waiting until he stopped hurting either way it was really pathetic._

_Finally the 10 yr old karate kid wannabe became frustrated enough with waiting to stand up and kick a tree. After hopping around for a while he cursed (it was a mild curse since he was only 10). Rodney couldn't help but snigger at this sulking little twerp who grew up to be the great Lt. Colonel John Sheppard of the Pegasus galaxy. What a change._

_Finally they stated walking with John muttering under his breath about bad parents the entire time._

_Like all the other children in the playground it seemed John couldn't actually see or hear him. This created a problem as he was somehow supposed to bust the Colonel out of his messed up memory and with no way to interact with him it seemed less likely to happen. _

_The route they took to what he assumed was John house was a picturesque suburban path. By the looks of the golden trees lining the road it was autumn and remembering back on a conversation with Sheppard he thought they could possibly be in California. He did seem to remember John mentioning something about California. _

_The house they arrived at looked like every other house in the street or for that matter any other house in any other suburban street in the world. They really didn't deviate that much. It reminded him of a similar house he lived in as a child except that house had been much grander. _

_Sheppard ran up the stairs with the energy only children had. All sulking was left behind at the prospect of being home finally after a long day at school. Following the exuberant small soldier inside Rodney watched as he chucked his Scooby Doo backpack onto a seat and opened stormed into the kitchen like every other kid in the world does after school. _

"_Sweet, Scooby Doo!" _

_Rodney remembered his own after school snacks very well. He used to horde as much food as he could and hide in his room away from his parents before they could corner him with useless questions. It's not like he was the only child to be questioned about school by their parents but he suspected he was the only child to be feared by his parents as they questioned him. They just didn't understand their brilliant children, Rodney especially since he was so animated and fear is born of ignorance. He could never forgive them for that. _

_Sheppard's after school snack consisted of an apple. What kind of child eats an apple after school?_

"_Sheppard really is a strange one" Rodney exasperated out loud certain no one would hear him._

_With apple in hand the small child wandered through the house. It took Rodney a moment to realize he was searching for something or someone. _

_He still had yet to see Sheppard's parents and was at the moment bursting with curiosity. Sheppard had always been a private sort of fellow and even to his team his life before Atlantis was a mystery. Rodney hadn't even seen a picture of his family in his room. _

_After checking basically the whole house little Sheppard was becoming quite agitated and started yelling for his mother. When she did not appear to his beck and call he just yelled louder and began running from one room to the next in his frantic search. Room after room resulted in more panic as each room was empty. Rodney could understand Sheppard's panic because seriously what little kid like to be abandoned at school only to make their own way home to find it empty. _

_Finally they came to the last room in the house left unchecked. By the way John hesitated outside the shut door it was obvious that he was not usually allowed in this room. _

_By this time Rodney's curiosity had reached a point where not even the Hoover dam could contain it. _

_John banged on the door with his small fists and again fruitlessly yelled or more accurately screamed for his mum. The fists fell to his side since his efforts produced no results and one hand moved towards the door knob._

_Gold glinted at Rodney as the knob was turned with excruciatingly slow movements. Pushing open the door John walked began to walk into the room only to stop at the threshold. _

_Walking up behind little Sheppard who only came up to his hip and looking over his short figure, Rodney immediately turned around. _

_The sight which met his eyes was enough to make him gag several times before getting his stomach under control. _

"_Mum?" A whisper almost too quiet to hear escaped John's lips and brought burning wetness to Rodney's eyes. _

_Inside the room o horrors John's mother lay sprawled across the bed, the red sheets tangled around her motionless figure. _

_The large red stain spread across the carpet from a spilt bottle of wine upon a bedside table was nothing compared to the red stain in the bed above it. The sheets were practically soaked with the contents of Sheppard's mum and upthrust wrists with jagged cuts lay testament to its cause. _

_John had found his own mother after suicide. _

_He was still in the threshold just staring and Rodney couldn't take it any more. _

"_no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO…" Rodney repeated the word over and over in disbelief shaking his head._

_This was too awful for anyone to witness let alone his best friend when he was only 10. Again and again he tried to grab John and pull him away from the grisly scene, but just like when he tried to stop the fight each attempt went awry. Every time he tried to grab the child his arms seem to only find air or he would find himself throwing his arms into a wall. His body wouldn't respond but that didn't stop Rodney from trying. He needed to take Sheppard away from here back to the present and away from the horror. _

_He just couldn't _

"_John, JOHN… look at me dammit… SHEPPARD!" Attempting a different approach he began calling his name, becoming more and more desperate with each yell until finally he screamed loud enough to fizzle out his vocal chords._

_Movement, and then a tear streaked face turned to stare straight into his. Rodney was so shocked to see any sort of response he didn't notice the corridor fall away around him like when he first went into Sheppard's mind until all that existed was little Sheppard, Rodney and his dead mother. Then even those fell away and Rodney was left to become enveloped in a black veil with only the superimposed image of John's worst memory for company. _

TBC

No, that's not all folks. Rodney still has not saved Sheppard so stay tuned and keep the reviews coming.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Carson was becoming worried; Sheppard and Rodney had been under for approximately 4 hours now. Every now and then a sudden spike in both his patients' brainwaves occurred and every time Carson couldn't help but become more concerned about their wellbeing. The spike had occurred several times now and he still had no idea what it meant. Radek had given up watching the machines and was now pacing, worry clearly etched on his face.

The situation was out of their control. After the second hour they had tried to disconnect Rodney from Sheppard and Sheppard from the machine but when they tried Sheppard had a seizure which then transferred over to Rodney. Carson wouldn't quickly forget the sight of the pair having simultaneous seizures. Rodney and Sheppard had been shuddering in sync and only stopped when Radek and Carson left the chair well alone.

Carson certainly didn't want to go through that again. All they could do now was sit, wait and watch over two good friends as they went through hell together. It was up to Rodney now to save Sheppard. He had to admit to himself, he'd never been very good at letting a patient suffer and doing nothing to help them. It went against everything it meant to him to be a doctor.

Walking over to Rodney, he did the only thing he could which was lend support to the one person who could save the situation. Placing a hand on his friend's shoulder, Carson leant over and whispered, "Come on lad, I know you can do this. Come back to us and bring John with you."

"Rodney will do it. He doesn't know meaning of the word fail. John's in good hands but don't tell Rodney I said that. Besides have ever seen John give up without fight?" Carson was startled to find Radek standing behind him and could only reply with a nervous laugh.

Standing side by side, the pair would keep their vigil over their colleagues and friends until the very end. John and Rodney were not alone and Carson prayed they knew it.

XXXXXX

_The black was broken by multiple colours flashing past Rodney's eyes. His world had transformed from infinite blackness to a chaotic world of colour. Not knowing what to expect, it was a complete surprise when suddenly the gound came rushing up and Rodney face planted into a tarmac surface._

_Rubbing his jaw Rodney stood up and surveyed the surrounding area, "Ow that hurt…crap not here again."_

_Screaming children scampered around him as he weaved his way back to the scene of some bullies beating the snot out of little Sheppard._

_The horror of what he had just witnessed was still imprinted firmly on his mind, showing itself as red eyes raw from unshed tears. Rodney had no idea that Sheppard was so messed up. No wonder the man had a constant desire to sacrifice himself for everyone else. After what he had just seen it wasn't surprising the man was slightly crazed. _

"_Jeez Sheppard, I had no idea." Rodney could only watch as he bore witness to a nightmare all over again… and again… and again. _

_The first time was torture and the second time he was too numb from the first to even notice what was happening. Every time after that struck a new chord of anguish in Rodney's soul. With each repeat he felt more hopeless as his futile attempts to contact Sheppard fell to nothing. _

_Rodney tried yelling at Sheppard to stop which just ended up making his throat sore. He tried physically stopping Sheppard but every time he tried it seemed Sheppard was just to the side of where he thought he would be. At one point Rodney even tried tackling little John…… not so smart. Jumping in the air and then face planting it for the second time that day immediately drew the error of his idea. _

"_Obviously this isn't the way to go. You did have to make this both difficult… and uncomfortable" Picking himself of the ground Rodney threw an annoyed glance at little John as he walked past him after being beaten up. _

"_Okay, let's see what we've tried so far…" Rodney made a mental checklist of all his failed attempts to contact Sheppard, but in the end couldn't think of anything new to try. It was the most frustrating thing in the world (or, more accurately, Sheppard's head) to be able to experience events but not interact with them. _

_After much consideration Rodney surmised one thing… That he could do the only thing left open to him, which was to be with Sheppard and lend support as best he could. This was quite difficult while invisible though. _

XXXXX

"It's been too long…It's been too long…" The pacing had started about an hour ago along with the muttering which alternated between Czech and English. Carson was at the point of kicking Zelenka out of the room. Support Schmortz - the man was getting on his last nerves.

Sheppard and Rodney had now been under 6 hours and if they didn't come out of it soon, he would have no choice but to bring Rodney out. Carson really didn't want to do that because he had no idea about the extent of the damage that he could cause to the pair in doing so, and as Rodney liked to tell anyone who would listen, he was the resident genius. The memories of the last time they tried were still fresh in his mind.

"Zelenka… If you don't stop that bloody pacing, I swear on my mother's cankers that I will sedate you into next year."

Zelenka suddenly froze and looked towards Beckett as if finally realising he wasn't alone in the room. "I sorry… It's just the waiting. I didn't think it would take this long."

"Aye," Beckett sighed, looking over at the monitor and the mirroring brainwaves of his friends. "Neither did I. If they don't come out of it soon, I may have to take measures."

Zelenka looked aghast. "You can't do that! It could kill them both."

"I'm quite aware of the possibilities…. But I'm worried about these patterns of brain activity. Since we started monitoring them both they have been steadily decreasing. Not at a rate to be overly alarmed about but if they continue this way for much longer, we may lose them anyway."

It was Radek's turn to sigh as he started his mumbling and pacing all over again. The worry was obvious on both men's faces as they watched over their colleagues.

XXXXXX

Unknown to men inside the chair room, Ronon and Teyla were busy with their own mission. The idea of doing nothing to help their team members made the pair physically sick, which led them to try and help in the only way that seemed possible at the moment -which was by breaking and entering.

It was Teyla's idea that if they could figure out the event that was replaying itself in Sheppard's mind then they could help pull him through.

Coming down the corridor they finally spotted Sheppard's room, the door jumping out to them with its familiarity. When she saw the door, a multitude of memories arose in her brain of all the times she had walked her team leader to that very door. Her mind flashed back to his writhing body on the floor of the gym...

The image of the strong man in such pain didn't seem to stray very far from her thoughts these days.

Luckily when they came to the door they found it unlocked. One part of Atlantis that irked Teyla was the fact the everything required the ancient gene. Teyla knew that Ronon was quite adept at lock picking but in Atlantis the only way to unlock a locked door was to have the gene. Since neither of them had it, one locked door could become a big obstacle.

Seeing the room Teyla stopped at the threshold. This was John's room. This was John's life; what gave them the right to snoop through his traumatic history? Ronon who was partway into the room stopped and turned towards her, his size seeming to diminish the size of any room he was in.

"What?"

"I am unsure that this course of action is wise. Do you think John would want us finding out about his darkest moments in life?" They all had secret including herself, and it was the right of the person whether or not they let the rest of the team in on them.

"He would if it saves his life."

Seeing the truth behind Ronon's words Teyla silently joined him looking around the space that should hold her friend. The room itself was quite messy with clothes strewn in a corner and stack of DVD's which had fallen over taking up the rest of the floor. The same old decor was still there including the man Sheppard called "Johnny Cash", an instrument called a "Guitar" and Sheppards desk complete with laptop.

'At least the bed is made… unlike some people's rooms' Teyla remembered the time she had visited Rodney's room, She had thought initially that someone had had a fight in it until Rodney explained that was how it normally looked like.

"Why don't you start with his chest of drawers and I will look through his bedside table?" Ronon just grunted to her suggestion before heading over to his drawers.

The contents of John's bedside table were interesting but not in the way she was hoping. They told her nothing of the life he lived before coming to Atlantis. On top of the table sat a picture in a carved wooden frame given to John by Ronon on his last birthday. The picture was one each member of their team kept and consisted off the four of them after a mission in the control room laughing their faces of while being completely drenched from torrential rain and mud. When they first stepped through the gate they had all been miserable (with good reason), until they noticed Dr. Weir wearing joke glass with the big nose and bushy eyebrows. As one the whole team had started to laugh uncontrollably which was the exact moment Zelenka took the photo.

Remembering the good times made her all the more saddened about John's condition and she could only hope that there would be more good times to come. Looking over her shoulder she saw Ronon flipping through a book with more photos gazing at each for a moment before moving on to the next.

"Teyla!" Ronon had stopped on one particular page and remained staring down at it as Teyla came up behind him.

"What did you find?" Teyla asked even as she looked at the photograph that had sparked Ronon's interest.

The picture displayed a small child around 8 years of age who both team members recognised as John, standing between a man and a woman.

The man was dressed in a military uniform and stood straight and proud a small smile showing on his face for the photo. He had a similar build to the grown up John and they could see some of Johns features in his face. Teyla couldn't help thinking as she look at little John and his father that there was a deep connection between the two. John the child looked exalted as he clung to his father's leg and his father's hand was placed carefully on his scruffy hair in an expression of comfort. From the caption Teyla could tell the photo was taken after the family were reunited most probably due to the father's military career.

What was strange about the family portrait was how the mother stood to one side not actively interacting with the rest. She was very beautiful with long dark hair which John had inherited. She also had John's eyes and as she heard Rodney refer to it Elvin features.

What truly caught Teyla's attention was how saddened the woman in the photo appeared. Her eyes held none of the light John's did even while reuniting with her partner. All of these things though did not explain what had Ronon's avid attention.

"What do you see?" Teyla eventually had to ask not catching on herself.

Ronon pointed to the woman once more and traced a finger down the woman's uncovered arms. "She is cut."

Teyla's eyes widened as she realised the gnarled white scars around her wrist and upper her inner forearm that could be seen even through the aged photo. Suddenly she remembered Elizabeth telling her that John's mother was dead which she knew from his file but nothing else about the circumstances of that death.

Teyla now had an inkling of how that death occurred and it made her stomach tighten at the thought of what John must have gone through.

Moving out the door Teyla purposefully headed in the direction of the chair room unaware of Ronon calling to her before closing the album and following. She knew what must be done even as she knew Rodney must be the one to do it.


End file.
